she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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