I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
