I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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