He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
