I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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