...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
