i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
