I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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