tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
