I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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