Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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