dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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