You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just google imaged poop.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
