god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
