I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
