Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
