Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
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