Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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