I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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