to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's blow job season.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
