She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
