so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You took a bar mat shot.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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