dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
