you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
