I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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