Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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