Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If I die, sorry about rent.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
