you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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