Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
