By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
