My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
