I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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