the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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