No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
