Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
