i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
