I wish I could punch you in the face.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
