you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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