tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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