ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
