I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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