I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
