I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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