If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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