my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
