I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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