You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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