I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Please don't give away my fajitas
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
