All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
