so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize
